SplinterED
by Wu the Stoic
Summary: From getting a splinter to running from the Kanker's, Ed's had a full day. Buttered toast was sacrificed in the making of this fic.


Ed's eyes snapped open wide mere seconds before his anguished cry rebounded along the junkyard. "It bit me, guys!" he bellowed as the echoes of his painful wail continued to roll along the area.

"Bit you?" Double Dee asked as he rose from a pile of metal he had been rummaging within. Concern etched his brow as he made his way to the tall youth.

Holding his left wrist in a tight vice, he extended his index finger towards his friend as tears of pain doubled, then trebled his vision. Sitting embedded painfully beneath his nail, just to the inside and close to the cuticle, was a large angry splinter.

"Oh dear…" Double Dee said as he wisely kept his arms down to his sides. When Ed was in pain, he sometimes panicked, and a panicked Ed was a dangerous Ed. "Let me retrieve my first aid kit and we'll have that extracted right away, okay?" He spoke in calm dulcet tones as Ed continued to hold his wrist tightly, as if that somehow magically made the pain go away.

"Just yank it out," Eddy helped as he staggered precariously atop a waist-high mountain of discarded machine parts, his arms held out to his sides to help him balance.

"Eddy, _please_ come down from there!" Double Dee exclaimed as he walked towards their old van. "The last thing we need right now is for you to fall and twist your ankle, mister!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, _mom_ ," Eddy sighed as he hopped down, bending gracefully at the knee as he landed. He turned and bowed grandly to a crowd that cheered only in his head.

"No! Don't yank it out, Double Dee!" Ed's voice warbled as he turned to plead after Edd's retreating back. "Don't yank it out!"

"Relax, Ed," his friend responded. His voice was soothing, but the glare he shot towards Eddy was anything but. Eddy, unrepentant, simply grinned. "I'm not going to yank it out. Why don't you sit down on that big tire and I'll be with you momentarily."

Warily, Ed made a wide birth of Eddy, who was approaching him, and then sat down obediently upon the old large tire.

"How'd you do that anyway, Lumpy?" Eddy asked as he came over to have a look for himself. "Ah man, Double Dee! You gotta see this! It's practically up to his wrist!"

"Is he bleeding?"

"No, no blood, but man is that thing in there! I bet we're going to need a blow torch!"

"Blow torch?" Ed echoed in panic.

"Yeah!" Eddy continued, unrepentant. "We're gonna have to cauterize that sucker after we yank it out!"

"We're not going to use a blow torch, Eddy, and don't you _dare_ get him excited. You remember what happened last time!"

"Yeah," Eddy said as he rubbed the back of his neck. "I'm still doing chores to pay for that window he threw me through."

"I didn't mean to, Eddy, but it was _stinging_!"

"All I did was put some rubbing alcohol on your cut finger, _you_ didn't have to overreact!"

"Eddy…" Double Dee said as he approached them. He paused for a moment to dramatically pinch the bridge of his nose. "You do _not_ simply put rubbing alcohol onto a _deep_ cut. You _earned_ the consequences of those actions."

"Boy did I," Eddy said as he shook his head slowly at the memory.

"You're not going to put the stingy angry burning liquid of hades on me again are you?" Ed asked as he held his finger close to his chest. His eyes were growing larger and a glint of mistrust began to flicker as his friend approached.

"Easy, Ed," Double Dee said gently as he put his hands out in a comforting motion. "I'd never dream of doing such a thing to you. Why, once we get the splinter out, you'll see that it hardly hurt at all!" He tried to be cheerful, but Eddy wasn't having any of it. The large boyish grin overtook his face again and he slipped away to dig through the medkit.

"Oh Ed," he sang as he lifted the clear bottle of rubbing alcohol. He waved it slowly side to side.

" _Eddy!_ " Edd cried out in exasperation. "You're not helping the situation any! Honestly! I thought you were going to be more compassionate to Ed's pain!"

"Pain?!" Ed bellowed and suddenly, he was on his feet. " _No pain for Ed_!" he exclaimed.

"You don't want it to get infected and fall off, do ya?" Eddy asked as he made a show of untwisting the cap before approaching Ed.

"NO PAIN FOR ED!" Ed bellowed again before turning and bolting away from the other two.

"You just couldn't help yourself, could you?" Double Dee snapped as Eddy laughed.

"What? That's nothing but a little payback for the other day."

"And what exactly did he _do_ the "Other Day,"" he asked as he lifted his hands to quote. "That warranted such a mean act of retaliation? Our friend needs us and you're just playing to his weakness and being a bully!"

"He knows I wouldn't hurt him, chill out, Sock Head."

"No! He doesn't know you were just teasing!" Double Dee said. He threw his arm out towards the tire Ed had quickly vacated. "In case you've failed to notice, he's currently running back to who knows where to get away from any torture he perceived from you! A dear friend! You should be ashamed of yourself!"

"Fine, fine. Well, let's go get him, then, but man; I can't wait to see how deep that thing went in!"

Growling, Double Dee went to retrieve the med kit. Today was going to be one of _those_ days, he could tell. It wasn't even ten in the morning and already Ed was loose on a rampage, fueled of course, by Eddy's mischievous nature.

* * *

The playground was empty, save for Sara and Jimmy playing a round of hopscotch on the sidewalk. Ed darted past them, still holding his finger to his chest. Inside the tunnel would be safe enough. He hoped. Eddy sure did look serious with that bottle of devil's liquid. When he reached the mouth of the tunnel, he looked around once more for good measure to make sure he hadn't been pursued, and then squatted down so he could back carefully into the dark confines on his elbows and knees. He'd be safe there. Hopefully.

"You know we got him trapped in there, right?" Eddy asked with a smirk.

"It's for the best, Eddy, but _please_ don't get him flustered, I beg of you! We need him to be calm so we can get that splinter out, and then we can simply enjoy the rest of our day."

"He's so predictable," Eddy continued as if he weren't just pleaded with. "And relax, Double Dee. He doesn't even know we spotted him. Maybe if he didn't come and hide in the same place every time…"

"Be nice, Eddy. This has been to our benefit more often than we realize. We should appreciate it."

"He's like a fox in its den."

"Yes, and if you aren't careful, a fox will bite when cornered. I think we should get something to draw him out."

"Like what?"

"Just wait and see," Edd smiled. "I'll be right back, don't let him escape and do _not_ let him see you. I don't want our cover blown." Setting the medkit down by the fence, Double Dee turned and made his way as quickly as he could to his home.

* * *

It took nearly half an hour before Double Dee returned, and by that time, Eddy was quickly losing patience. From time to time, he would peek around the corner of the gate to make sure Ed hadn't escaped, and each time, the telltale shadow of his profile was visible just within the round metal confine.

"What took ya?" he grumbled as his slender friend set a picnic basket down on the sidewalk.

"Bait, Eddy," he explained in a hushed tone. "Come with me and don't pay any attention to Ed."

"Don't pay any attention to him?" Eddy asked as his upper lip curled in disdain. "That's the point, we _want_ him."

"Patience Eddy, just follow my lead, okay?"

Hefting a gusty sigh, Eddy relented as he ran his hand over his head, smoothing back his now disheveled hair. "Alright, lead the way, but we need to hurry up and get that splinter out. We've got stuff to do today."

"Of course, Eddy," Double Dee said pleasantly as he lifted the basket. "My medkit, please."

"Fine," Eddy groaned as he lifted it. "What am I? Your personal slave?"

"Assistant, Eddy, you're my personal _assistant_."

"Yeah, whatever."

Ice blue eyes widened and then narrowed as the two Ed's walked by the opening of the tunnel. Making a soft sound of exclamation, Ed pushed himself further back as his friends went by without even a glance in his direction. However, making sure to sit on the bottom of the slide opposite their friend. Eddy and Edd made pretense of opening the basket. From within came one piece of buttered toast, handed grandly to Eddy before Double Dee pulled one out for himself.

"Man," Eddy said, going along with the lines given to him. "I sure wish you hadn't made so much of this, Double Dee. How're we going to eat all this buttered toast ourselves?"

"I guess that's a problem we'll have to live with, Eddy," Double Dee sighed dramatically before nibbling on a corner. From within the tunnel, Ed whined softly. His eyes darted between his friends as Eddy was less demure while he crunched noisily.

"Mmm hmm!" Eddy agreed while he chewed. Crumbs tumbled down the front of his shirt while he ate.

"Can I have some?" Ed's pitiful voice wafted over to them, and Double Dee gave Eddy a knowing look.

"Did you hear something, Eddy?"

"Me?" Eddy took another large bite, causing more crumbs to tumble down his front. "No way."

"I'm sure it was just my imagination," Edd agreed as he turned his toast to nibble a fresh corner.

"Aww, c'mon, guys, can I have some, too?" Ed's plaintive voice was just a touch louder.

"Now I am positive I heard something," Double Dee said as he paused in his nibbling.

"Nope," Eddy said as he finished his piece and then reached into the basket to get a fresh one. "You're just going crazy."

"Guuuuys…"

"I'm telling you, Eddy… I _must_ be losing my mind."

"Guuuuuuuuys… I want some buttered toast… pleeeease?" Crawling to the mouth of the tunnel, Ed peered at them with large, expressive eyes.

"Why _Ed_!" Double Dee exclaimed. "How good of you to join us! Would you like something to eat? Eddy and I are taking a quick break and thought a snack would do us well."

A smile lighting up his face, and splinter removal forgotten, Ed clambered out of the tunnel and lumbered to his friends in a good natured way. Double Dee rewarded him with a most coveted toasted treasure while Eddy's eyes greedily went to the splinter. Ed was ginger with that finger, letting it stick out into the air as he enjoyed a snack.

"So… what do we want to do today?" Eddy asked slowly. It was a shame that Double Dee was between he and Ed.

"I don't know, Eddy," Edd answered.

"Let's read comic books in the van," Ed suggested. For a bright sunny day, the wind was a bit too cool to go to the swimming hole.

"Perhaps we could spend a little while doing that," Double Dee agreed. That was something Ed enjoyed and if they could take his mind off his splinter for at least three minutes, why surely the reward would be worth it for the big guy.

Handing him another piece of toast, Double Dee gently took the left wrist. For a moment, Ed was oblivious to what was to come as he quickly finished the slice. He absently dusted crumbs from his lips and then lifted his brow in alarm. His small friend was wily and fast and already tweezers were poised to grasp the end of the splinter. Drawing in a long gasp, Ed went to jerk his arm away before he froze again. His complexion went pallid as his pupils dilated to pinpoints. "Guys…"

"What?" Eddy asked. He was leaning forward, nearly rubbing his hands together with anticipation of the extraction.

"Guys…" Ed repeated, his splinter forgotten. He had begun to tremble slightly.

"Well, well, well, if it ain't our _boyfriends_ ," came the husky drawl of Lee Kanker, followed closely by the devious chortlings of his sisters.

"Oh no…" Double Dee whispered as he turned his face over his shoulder. A look of trepidation crossed his face as he watched the girls block off the entrance to the playground.

Slowly, Ed grasped Double Dee's arm and pulled him around until the slender youth stood at the forefront of the group. However, while he did so, he was unaware that Edd had taken that moment to grasp the head of the splinter with the tweezers. If Ed bolted now, it would only be to his benefit.

"So boys, whadd'ya think? We got our hair all done up to look extra pretty for you today!" Lee continued as she parked her fists upon her hips. "And you didn't even notice!"

Leaning forward, Ed softly whispered into Double Dee's ear. "Protect me, Double Dee! I think they're necrotic!"

Taking a firmer hold on the end of the tweezers, Edd simply shook his head no as he whispered in return. "I think you mean _neurotic_ , Ed."

Ed frowned softly. "There's a difference?"

"Not this time," Eddy moaned quietly.

"Yeah, we get all dolled up, put on deodorant and even shaved our legs! You guys are in for a treat today!" Marie called out over May's laughter. "And we've got you right where we want you, boyfriends!"

"We even brushed our teeth!" May announced.

Ed's eyes grew larger as the realization hit him and he stood bolt upright, using every bit of his five foot nine frame. As he did so, the splinter slipped from the wound, freeing him of his injury. He pointed at the girls as they began to slowly advance upon their prey. Giving a mighty battle cry, he began to back away, parting Eddy and Double Dee. " _KANKER'S IN HEAT_!" Turning, he bolted for the fence but in his panic he collided with it instead. Sprawled on his back, he tipped his face backwards and watched as the girls continued to approach. Another surge of adrenaline shot through his system, giving him the much needed boost to scramble to his hands and knees. There, he turned and sprang forward once more, this time managing to leap the fence in one bound.

Turning his head to Eddy, Double Dee slowly began to back away. "Run?" he asked.

"Run," Eddy whispered around a lump that wanted to close his throat.


End file.
